Dear Graduates

Congratulations. You just spent 3 years struggling through law school. You learned all about the elements of a tort and the nuance of consideration. You even journeyed into the vast jungle that is bankruptcy law. And you paid handsomely. Your eyesight. Your lovelife. Your liver. All not what they were when you started. Oh, and your net worth. You now are worth negative $xxx,xxx.xx. Before you were only worth negative $xx,xxx.xx or, if you were lucky, negative $x,xxx.xx. Ah, it feels so good to have graduated. And now you have the skills to be a lawyer. You had those classes on dealing with clients, trying cases, discovery matters, sending out bills, managing your secretaries and paralegals, screening prospective clients, and negotiating complex transactions. Yes, the basics of practicing law. You are well positioned to go forth and sue.

Of course, I am just kidding. You aren't ready at all. You think you are. I know you think you are because you don't let a single chance to tell someone you are a lawyer pass you by. For example:

• You are at the checkout line at Kroger's and the bagger asks you if you want paper or plastic. Your response: "Ahh, that reminds me of the case _____________(insert meaningless case you read in law school that has no application in the jurisdiction you are practicing in now) in which a plastics company was sued by its employee for wrongful termination under Title VII (prior to its amendment, which, again, has no application to the current state of the law). You see, I am a lawyer, so I will take plastic. Ha ha (you toss your head back and flick your hair)."
• You intentionally try to speed and roll through stop signs so you can be pulled over and put the 4th Amendment to the test, hoping to catch the cop trying to unreasonably detain you only to then yell "Ah ha you fool, I am a lawyer and I will have none of this abridgment of my rights!." He then shoots you.
• You spent $100 at your graduation on law school clothes, and now that is all you wear in public on the weekends.
• You blog about your life and wisdom and try to impart your wisdom (through your experiences) to others through that blog.
• You take every chance you get to lecture someone on why the McDonald's coffee spill case really wasn't that outrageous considering the totality of the circumstances.
• You use phrases like "totality of the circumstances."
• You go to McDonald's and order coffee at the drive-thru then joke with the high schooler who hands you the coffee: "Careful there kid. Wouldn't want to spill that on me. I'm a lawyer. I'd sue ya. He he he."

Fact is, you aren't a lawyer yet. You have a piece of paper on your wall that says how well you suck up, brown nose, and back stab (i.e., diploma) and how well you jump through hoops for people who only make you jump through hoops because they had to, even though they now realize it was meaningless (i..e, bar exam and bar license). That doesn't make you a lawyer. The only reason they gave you these pieces of paper is because after the three years you just went through, they want you to have something to show for it. Sure they can get away with making doctors and Ph.D.s wait longer for a degree and license, but not with law students. No, law students are only law students because we weren't smart enough to get into med school or a Ph.D. program. They need more rewards and encouragement and quicker turnaround. So they gave us a diploma and a law license a few years earlier then they should. The problem is, they don't bother telling us that when it comes to the law we are about as cognizant as a dog watching the nightly news with Brian Williams. We have no frickin clue.

Yes, dear recent graduate, your law school career was meaningless and the bar exam was a joke. All that time and here are the only skills you have:

• You now can hear the term "assignor" and "assignee" and not giggle.
• You can look up a case on Lexis or Westlaw for senior partners who want "that one case that says there is no such thing as intentional negligence" because they are still haven't bothered learning all about the internets and electronic e-mails.
• You can operate on half of the sleep you could before law school because you stayed up studying things like ancillary claims and pendant party jurisdiction in law school (Oh, by the way, no one cares about those things in the real world except professors and a few judges. Lawyers really don't bother with such nonsense).
• You know the Bluebook forward and backword, and can correctly cite a legislative session note from 1974 (because we all know you have to cite those every day in your briefs).
• You have successfully managed to spend a large sum of money on something that really isn't worth that much (law school) and convince yourself it was of value, which comes in handy for you as a lawyer when you have to ask your client to do the same thing. Now that is a good skill you have.

Oh yes, that is about the extent of the skills you have as a fresh graduate from law school. What you don't have, well, that is another for my next blog.

Fred out...